Fields of Poetry

I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed. Yes, really changed
In these past few days when I've seen myself
I seem like someone else . . .

Monday, December 6, 2010

"Rebel Without a Cause"

"You're tearing me apart! You, you say one thing, he says another, and everybody changes back again!"- Jim Stark (Rebel Without a Cause)
Since birth, we see our parents as gods. Some even see them as kings and queens because of the role parents play in our lives. Parents sets rules and make decisions that affect our future whether for good or bad and we could only hung our heads to our Majesties and obey. I've loved Fairy Tales since I was in Elementary and I've always seen myself as a princess or a maiden in distress with two powerful royalties as my parents. And yet, I've failed to read between the lines of these magical tales: obey and all will be well.

Even the Genesis speaks of obedience: God constantly punishes Adam and Eve and their children for disobedience and grant them honor when they follow His words.

There are times though when parents can be so frustrated with their children that they say things without thinking. And at these times, children often struggle to remain calm and stay sane. I understand parents only want their children to be better models for the society than themselves, but some of these parents fail to observe their own methods of teaching and articulate the damages it harnesses.

Take the movie, "Rebel Without a Cause". The words that Jim Stark screams to his parents speaks a lot of truth about them: They are so bunched up in their own emotional bubble that they are damaging their own son's well being by contradicting what they have already said and taught.

My parents are guilty of that same tendency. For the past several months my mother had continuously pestered me, telling me to find a job-- a sideline that could bring joy to my life and to others. Now that I have finally found one, instead of appreciating my efforts, she starts questioning the salary and asking if it's worth the effort. And in my mind I was thinking, I found a job that you wanted me to be happy with and now you're complaining the salary isn't good enough?

"You can't have everything" were her words and I had this urge to say that to her during dinner but I bit my tongue. I understand that my mother only wants what's good for me, but sometimes I think she's impossible.
She wants me to find a job that I can do at home so I won't have to travel to the city and back and waste precious money over the gasoline. Now that I found one, she's complaining that I work so hard using up all the electricity in the house for a meager wage.

Who in their right mind would not be angry? Sometimes I think my mother is just trying to test my patience. And at these times, the best I could do was pretend to be tired and sleepy and excuse myself from their presence. It's just exhausting. Too much. Just too much.

My father is a lot more understanding than my mother and for that I am very grateful. Still, sometimes when I rebuke my mother, my father would side with her and I have no one to lean on. And so I've learned to distance myself from my father. I love them very much and I would do anything to make them happy. It's just that they're tearing me apart.


  1. Adults are often too hard to handle. It's good that you still show respect on your mom despite her never-ending sermons, haha!

    Guess that made them claim their titles as moms..they are made that way (MOSTLY to confuse us, haha!). And as you said, maybe she's testing your patience so thank God you got 2 ears--to hear and let it out..hehe

    Just pour everything in writing when you feel you have no one to lean on..strangers are ready to listen to your emotions :)

  2. I will remember that, Beanizer! Thank you! :)