Fields of Poetry

I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed. Yes, really changed
In these past few days when I've seen myself
I seem like someone else . . .

Monday, January 23, 2012

Dragon Year

A Happy Chinese New Year to all! This Dragon Year is, as predicated by the Chinese Horoscope, beginning to prove itself a difficult one. The year of deep contemplation and self-analysis, I have once again meditated and looked back at my past; checking off all the good memories and marking all the bad experiences red. I have no one to blame, really. I could only blame myself for the problems I am now having.

As I have written in my journal, My E-Boyfriend, I developed a long-distance relationship with a European man two years my junior. While he has no trouble coming to the Philippines with his Euro-Passport, I am having an issue with mine. Yes, my parents are rich and yes I am working for them but I don't pay taxes, I don't get a payroll, nor am I paid a high salary.

My parents has been constantly pushing me to become independent, yes but all in a wrong way if I may say so. They are doing the best they can, truly but I sometimes can't help but wonder if their over-protective tendencies are not helping me become self-reliant.

Each time I have a problem, mommy and daddy comes to the rescue. Yes, I am aware that I should do something about that so that I would become more independent. Yes, I am aware that I am fortunate to have such loving parents however, I wish they would give me the freedom to wander out in the world no matter how hard life is outside.

Sometimes, when I do go against the wishes of my parents and proved to them that I CAN and COULD venture out on my own, they would give me harsh lectures for hours on end. It's a lot more exhausting listening to my intimidating and experienced parents' sermon than running a marathon! The lashing of their words form severe bruises and scars on my wild spirit that I would often lose myself to self-remorse and regrets.

But enough about my parents. Having been given the "freedom" to do nothing and stay at home and eat whatever's in the fridge like a common Japanese N.E.E.T, my brain has gotten used to an escapist's daily routine: day dreaming and playing games online. It's horrible. I feel horrible. I no longer want this "luxurious" life. It's not a life at all. It's a boring, redundant and lazy life with no human contact whatsoever.

Yes, my parents insist that I play golf and mingle with "posh" people and social climbers, but I DO NOT appreciate their company! I want to mingle with people I feel comfortable with!!! Like, for example, my boyfriend? I want to be with him and live with him, but not marry. People marry for convenience but I do not want to marry him for that reason alone.

I want to be with people who shares my vision: a simple, middle class / worker's life. A rich man's life is not for me. No. But neither is a poor man's life. I want neither. I want to be in-between. Well, don't we all? Actually, if my parents remained in Tokyo instead of the Philippines, we'd be living in an apartment instead of a mansion. True!

I already know what I have to do, but I don't have the freedom to do it. If I tell my mom that I'm going out, she'll contradict and discourage me from leaving the house. She says it's her way to "challenge" me, but it's not effective at all. I don't WANT to listen to my mother because she's just impossible!

So impossible.

I know what to do, I just don't know where to start or how to start it at all. Even if I did, how am I going to convince my parents that what I did is the right thing? How do I convince them that without allowing them room to "break" my spirit yet again? I am terribly frustrated. I need the right kind of guidance. I have asked and asked again to send me a guide, a mentor or a teacher! ANYONE other than my parents because my parents, while they are good at what they do professionally, are anything but good teachers.

I no longer desire to gain "allowance" from parents. I want to start earning on my own once again. I want my own house. I want my own car. I want my own place.
And I don't want any cook or maids taking over MY KITCHEN! I cook what I like in MY KITCHEN! In the future, I will teach my children self-reliance because my parents certainly were not very successful at that area.

I do not appreciate it when I want to cook something and it's all gone because the cook used all of the ingredients and wouldn't even dare restore them so there's plenty for the next day.

"Your mother doesn't like it when I buy things that's not a top priority." Says the cook.

How are milk, eggs, sugar, flour, bread, cereals, and coffee not part of a daily consumption? Of course they're essential!!! How absurd!!!! I don't even eat rice. Rice are for fat people who can't afford a dish!!! It being carbohydrate it stuffs you faster and longer than any other food.

It's ironic that my mother, who eats rice on a daily basis would complain,

"Oh, you should avoid eating a lot cause you'll get fat."

Well excuse me, but isn't rice a lot more fattening than bread???????

For goodness sake. I must get out of this household. I have had enough! I need to motivate myself once more and find every way possible to get out. Challenge me dear God, and I will take it upon myself to achieve. Just help me motivate myself. Help me find someone who is practically and sensibly more supportive as a mentor.

This I pray.

By the way, as an update to my journal entry Ginger Root to Cure White Spots on Face, well that Ginger Root did nothing but sting my face each time. So that myth of Ginger Root curing White Spots, throw that out the window. It's just a myth.  What really did cure the White Spots was Bioderm Ointment, which is available in any Drugstore nationwide. It was suggested to me by a pharmacist at a Generika Drugstore.

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